Unremembered

by Leila Kensey

The dam broke, and finally Ms. Kelm let go. She was sobbing into her arms, wiping the tears and snot on her sleeves. So small and frail she seems now, once the mirage dissipated and she unfolded from years of emotional neglect. She tried to speak, desperate to control herself in efforts to retain the mental dexterity that became her beacon time and time again.

Her hair in disarray, the brand named clothes Ms.Kelm had always taken extra care of too were now wrinkled, and tarnished from the salty tears and globs of snot the expensive material was now soaking up. Within the confines of the private small office space, she was unravelling. Ms.Kelm’s heart had been torn to shreds years prior and now, on autopilot, she depends on her quick mind and tongue to help her persevere. It’s dreadful- to see such a thing happen to someone.

Slumped into the old couch, her eyes became reflective glass. If Ms. Kelm continued in this manner, it would be surprising if she led any life productively. That was if she could live at all. After her true confession of what happened, when her painful cries had subsided she only looked up, and breathed through her sniffles. ‘Everything will be okay’ and ‘I’m going to be okay’ were probably the mantras riling through her brain at the moment. After everything is said and done, with a heart that threatens to drop into her belly from the weight it has carried after all these years, all anyone would want is to be okay. Not happy, never joyous. Just be. I am the person to go to with such a need.

She left my office in a daze. Feeling blurred and disoriented, trying to patch a void at someplace, somewhere Ms. Kelm could not recollect. Mr. and Mrs. Kelm dashed over to her, unsure of what to do with their placid daughter. The look I received wasn’t one of gratitude nor disdain, but something in between. Their eyes clouded with uncertainty and I knew what they had meant. I nodded at them, and after a slip of paper was placed into my hand, they retreated from the office rushed and without sound.

Ms. Kelm was the last of my clients for the night, which was fine by me. The silence of the small enclosure and repetitive ticking of the clock ushered me out of the office, post haste. Slipping on my coat, and compiling the contents of my desk into my briefcase, I locked up the office and tidied the little lobby before locking up my business doors. One by one, the lot of us on the 3rd floor of the building piled into the elevator. Standing like sardines ready to be shipped out. Then the phone rang, and I was quite surprised that she hadn’t rang earlier.

“I’ll be home shortly roe.”

She scoffed. Roe had surprised me time and again since she had been under my care. Her attitude knows no bounds.

“And pigs can fly. Listen, are you at least out of the building?” She had whined, not like the 14 year old she was. No, like a 4 year old who could never reach satisfaction. The time on my watch indicates 8:30, I guess I’ll be late again.

“I’m almost to the ground level. I need to make a few errands though before I head home. Is there any food you would like picked up?”

“… I suppose the regular would be okay. But that wasn’t why I rang exactly.” She scrambled out.

“What’s wrong? Did someone approach you today?” I usher, recalling a previous incident with my niece and shuddering with guilt.

“No. It was a package addressed to you. I looked up who it was from but it was strange, the address was from an abandoned building.”

“Don’t open it. I’ll be quick to come home- call the restaurant and finish your homework.” “Alright, thanks a mil Klein.”
The call ended, and I scanned the area. No suspicious looking characters, no one was looming around any of my visible exits. The only characters present were hive workers, swarming in and out to quickly get to their recreational or to quickly get work done. I shook my head, it seems like I was having more in common with my patients lately- I am at the beginning of unravelling.

I head towards the car, ignoring everything and everyone in my path. Slamming the door shut, I heave out a sigh and close my eyes. The car hums in response to the key revitalizing it, and I set flight. Weaving in and out of lanes in the dark of night, gazing at the stretch of stars in front of me. No music or sound other than the thrum of the car as it speeds away from scattering vehicles on the highway. Peace, without the need to think or the fear of a mind wandering into hidden closets and compartments you don’t need reopened.

And suddenly it’s over. Slowly I pull into the vacant lot of Roe’s favorite Indian restaurant. As always the door opens with chimes. Smells of ginger turmeric and cumin waft into my nose, and I can imagine their dishes stirring into my mouth and settling my hunger. The aroma becomes more invigorating the further you go in every time.

The boy standing behind the cash register has such a constipated look on his face. Probably trying to determine who I was.

“Klein William,” I offer with a soft smile, an attempt to be somewhat friendly.

“That’s right! So sorry, I don’t know why I can’t ever remember your name.”
“It happens with everyone,” I give an empty laugh.
All efforts to continue any conversation escapes me. Watching him pick out a tightly knotted plastic bag out of an assortment of them, my mind solely registered the thought of food. “Thanks, come again!” He hollers to my back.
With a wave, I am out the door.

Before I could even open the front door of the apartment, Roe beats me to it all the while wearing an annoyed look.

“It’s about time you got home! I have been starving. How was work?” Roe rambles on, grabbing the bag from my hand, as she runs to the kitchen to begin the inspection.

“You know I can’t talk about it.”
“It was that bad?” Roe was concerned again.
“For what it is, it wasn’t out of the ordinary. But it doesn’t make it any less easier.” “Did you smoke?”
I sigh, “One on the way home.”
“Don’t be surprised if you die of lung cancer.”
“I won’t.”
After setting the table and dishing out food, we dug in hungrily. Roe told me about her day, the boringest day in high school. I guess that grey rainy days can do that to people. She complained about numerous assignments she was forced to complete and their confusing wordings; teachers that lulled the students to sleep and an undercooked pizza the cafeteria ladies forced her to indulge upon. I chuckled, knowing that somewhere into her story, it got more and more elaborate. Along the way, she indulged in gossiping about her friends and their boyfriends and their fights, causing an endless parade of more drama. But as she ranted and raved, I could picture her as seven years old. Telling me the same stories of teachers and assignments and friends. Roe is becoming older, yet in these moments I can reminisce about the little girl I used to visit for every holiday before her parents’ accident. Allegedly.

‘Klein, Klein!
A voice hushes in the back of my mind.
“Well, it sounds like your average day in the small world of a teenager.” I mustered. “Well what can you do! Teens and drama are peanut butter and jelly.” Wisecracker Roe said factually.
“Are you finished?”

“I am. If your homework is finished, you can go watch TV or something.”

Roe, mutters on about something but I don’t care in the slightest. Once I’m done with my responsibilities of the chores I hurry into my room.

‘Klein, Klein!’ It whispers hurriedly again.
“I’ll be there soon.”
Sitting on the edge of my bed, with my tie tossed aside and the dress shirt slightly unbuttoned I close my eyes, letting my subconscious wander. Threads and strings, I know which one to follow. Then I’m right there, in the grand lobby of a hotel nobody enters. Where there resides a glamorous chandelier that shines like a star, luxury furniture and not a speck of dust. Light, airy, welcoming- ever since I had come upon this place it always gave an illumination of a home, a safe place before filling with dread every hotel room I came across.

Standing behind the long marbled reception counter the same woman always stood, always smiling and never aged a day in my 34 years of life. Ebony skin and curls that would spill out of her bun, she has never changed.

“Welcome back Klein, how may I assist you?” As if a robot, ever so formal and on task. “Hello Marci. I don’t need to go into a room at this time. I’m staying in the lobby.”
“Very well sir. As always, I hope that you enjoy your stay.”
I left her standing there, watching me with her careful smile. Yet again, I admire the paintings hung on the walls with their gold designed frames and centuries old tapestries that clung to each wall. Picasso, Michelangelo, Rembrandt, Van Gough, and so many others.

“I was wondering when you would come to visit​ me​ again” A soft voice whispered, curling her body around me. I hold her hand tightly, hoping it will ease my pain of our separation. Only in this place of memories we can ever be together.

“I spoke with you last night, as I have done every night since I stumbled upon you all those weeks ago.”

Emile buried her face within my shoulder blades, and I could feel the bump of her tiny nose, the hardness of her cheekbones and her soft eyes.

“Doesn’t mean I don’t miss you any less.”

I turned around to face the women I met not even two months ago. Every time I have seen her, Emile always takes my breath away. Her smile warms my heart and the burdens on my shoulders are forgotten. I hold her head so delicately in my hands to ​feel ​Emile. To feel its weight, the softness of her cheeks, the air she breathes out in a sigh. Dear god, why can’t she be in my reality. Roe would love her, to talk about whatever girly nonsense as they would please. To have a companion through life, have a room of warmth. What type of wedding dress would she pick? She would look beautiful in anything she wore.

“What are you thinking about this time?”
Big brown eyes, then lips I divulge in. So soft, so right, Emile, my love, be my home.
“I want to marry you.”
“Klein, I am in a coma. How could I marry you?”
“Tell me where you are! I will do anything to help you, let me see you outside this realm of memories! I want to truly hold you, and kiss you, and introduce you to my niece. I will give you my whole world. Just say yes!” I’m begging.

Never would I imagine myself to be one who would beg. But now, I cannot stop the worlds that escape my fishnet. I cannot cease the shudders. In my reality, where I steal others memories, in a world where I am constantly forgotten, you don’t. ​I need you.

“We can travel the world, you said you love kids! Roe is in the middle stages but I’m sure she would be ecstatic in her own unique ways! I will buy a house where we can have plenty more children and I’ll get a different job! We can be so happy together! Let me in! Let me see you!”

We both have tears in our eyes, but while I bite my lip, fighting tooth and nail for them to not fall, Emile’s stream down. She doesn’t bother to wipe them, her hold on my hands gets tighter and tighter. No, Emile’s smile just gets bigger and bigger. When she laughs it sounds more like sobs spilling out of a sealed boiling pot. Yet again, I wonder to myself, what memories lurk inside her hotel room?

“I would love that. If I could, I would spend the rest of my days beside you.”
“Why can’t you?”
“The same reason I won’t go back to my room, my memories, and return from my coma.” I just stare at her. Emile’s hurt expressions, and her dire need to communicate something important. It’s at the tip of her tongue every time. But what reason is there to have such an expression of fear? As much as it rips apart my heart, I swallow it all inside. Wiping Emile’s tears away with a smile. I intertwine my hand in hers. ​It’s okay, you are going to be okay, no matter what I will always love you.​ These words spoken in only my mind as I smile towards her, I hope that she understands that with each clench I am there, and with every step I will always be by her side.

The rest of my time with Emile was spent with me listening to the endless amount of stories she had accumulated from her life, about the family from her youth that she had adored, and me talking about what it is like, erasing peoples memories away, the horrible deadly ones that completely shatter them. Taking their key from the receptionist opening the door and watching each memory like a series of movies. Looking at the horrendous ones, feeling apart and yet separate from it. There isn’t anywhere to dispose of them, other than my room. Sometimes I can hardly remember my own memories, then I feel myself beginning to fade.

The goodbyes are always the hardest, never knowing if Emile will be there again. She is the only person I have seen to walk out of their rooms. And like every time I arrive back into my body, in the place where I had been sitting a looming silence prevails over me. I get off the bed, and out of my room. The glow of the tv penetrates my eyes, and I lie on a blanket over a sleeping Roe, turn off the tv, close her books and look over to the table where the mysterious package Roe had informed me of. Inside were files, evidence bags, and a number. The phone rang once before the receiver picked up the call.

“Memo, we need your help again.”

“The only people who call me by that ludicrous name are gangs and mafias. Agent Sulin, you cannot send me stuff like this in a package! What if my niece opened it!” I exasperated with a hush.

“I can’t come to you right now. Lets just say I found something big and I need you to go undercover. This shit is even leaking in the FBI. I sent packages to two others as well. I need to know whether you’re in or not fast.” He was paranoid. I only sighed, caving to look into it.

“I’ll look into it more tomorrow. You will have your answer in two days.”
“Fine.” With a grumble he ended the call.
After downing my fill of spirits, I lofted to bed. Unsure of where this next escapade would lead me.

The next day, I found it to be morning, with the bright sun piercing through my eyelids, beckoning me forth to participate in another day. By the time I was dressed and out of my room Roe was already scavenging for last-minute things and food to eat before hurriedly wishing me a good day, hollering her love while yelling she’ll see me later. The house was quiet after she departed, and most likely Roe is running after her bus now. Stirring the black liquid in my coffee mug, I contemplate everything that’s been happening. I take a gulp, wishing for the bitter drink to dissolve my fiery mind. My brother and sister-in-law, the unusual case files, memory hotel, and Emile.

Flipping through the calendar, today was going to be a busy day. Six clients to talk with, and I wonder how many will have a need for their memories to be ripped away. It was only 6:30, but with days lingering on me longer, it feels like at all times I am stuck in a begrudgingly dry 1:30 afternoon. ​Ding-dong, ding-dong,​ the apartment ringer chimes.

I open it, only to immediately regret my actions and promptly slam the door. ​Stupid Klein! Why didn’t you look through the damn peephole?!

“Open the door Memo! You have three fucking seconds!” Vince has four lethally trained bodyguards with him. “ONE!”
I have no weapons.

“TWO!”
I have zip in any type of fighting training.
“THREE!”
I pull the door open.
“Wise choice. Bag him!”
A black clothed bag is shoved over my head. A needle penetrates through the arms of my favorite dress shirt and I’m fading into unconsciousness. A murmur of words, the loud thumps of a van, and the smell of cigars is all I can register.

“Wake our man up some! We got business to tend to.” Vince’s deep voice hollers out to his men, and I’m hauled up instantly.

They direct me to where I need to go with the black cloth securely over my head leaving me blind. Walk 12 steps, turn right, walk thirteen steps up and turn left. We get there and they throw me onto a chair. When the blindfold comes off, I’m baffled. As usual, the building looks a little worn down and abandoned, but in the far side of the room, there was medical equipment. Clear dangling shades obstructed any view.

Vince has always been a pretty big guy. He is bald with black beady eyes and always has on a colorful suit from Paris or whatever and a cigar is never far from his hands or mouth. Our history with each other makes every visit touch and go. ‘Frenemies’ is what he calls it.

“Didn’t know you had an interest in saving lives.” I mutter grumpily.

“I don’t. This is only temporary. Why did you run? It‘s been 15 years now, yeah? You know how it goes.” Vince stated irritably.

“Yeah well, any business with you is bad business. I’ve got my hands full. Sorry but you need to figure this one out by yourself.”

I go to stand up when he gives me this cold and menacing glare.

“Sit the fuck down. This will only take you a half hour, besides you will be paid handsomely. I ​Strongly​ advise you to take it.”

He chuckles lightly knowing that I know that I am knee deep in a sewer. Roe, my apartment, associates. Everything. I sit back down.

“The person that’s in there has been in a coma for some time. We know that they have documents and videotapes of our business. Find out where it is and how much they have.”

“Fine.”

Vince and his men led me to the makeshift hospital room. When we got there I had to suck in a breath. A woman lies battered and bruised, covered in bandages. She looks absolutely lifeless. ​Emile.

“She was caught spying in on one of our conversations. Got beat pretty badly, imagine our surprise that she had enough strength to run away! She was hit by a car before she had gotten too far. Do your thing, memo. The guards will be outside.”

It was when they all left me alone with her, when the tension in my chest became too unbearable did I allow a single tear to escape as I stared at her hand. ​Do I dare? If I hold her hand now, could I ever let go?

Hesitantly, I reach out to her. When I feel the flesh of her skin, I know that this is real. She is alive and I am beside her! I sit down in the chair next to her, hand still clutched firmly in hers and enter memory hotel.

When I arrive Emile is already at the front desk waiting for me. No words come out, I run to her, holding her tightly in my arms.

“So you now know my secret.” Emile said with a saddened smile.
“I will do everything I can to keep you safe!” I promise her.
Yet, with a little shake of her head she looks me dead in the eyes. An eerie chill crawls up my spine as my stomach wrenches.
“Klein, you can’t save everyone.”
“Damn the whole world Emile! Right now, you are the only one I am wanting to save.

Only you!” I shout angrily, “Why, Emile? Why won’t you let me do this!”
“How can you save me, when you have never saved yourself from your own demons?” There was the dreaded blow. For a minute I can’t think, talk, nor see. All there is is blinding brightness.
“…We can help each other!”

“Klein, my admiral, and dependable superhero. I am not what you need.” “That’s not true.”
“Klein, I had realized a long time ago that I was okay. It’s time for me to leave.” “No it’s not!” I say frantically. “Don’t give up!”

“Klein, I never gave up. Every moment I had was fighting to stay with you! There is no longer a handle on my door Klein. It’s gone.”

Why? Why does she have to go? I breath in pants, as my hands start viciously shaking.

There is nothing I can do now. Her memories are fading, and soon, so will Emile.

“You have the courage and the strength to get through this. I believe in you, you aunt believe in you, many others as well. Believe in yourself, and know that we are all here for you! You’re the one who saved us, but now, it is time for you to be helped.”

I hold onto her for dear life, being reminded of just how fleeting time is.
“Take me to your room, I want my last sight to be of you and your memories.”
Like a ghost I guide her through the many halls, turning corners, climbing up stairs, until we arrive at my door. Opening it, her mouth went agape at it’s enormous size.
“Every memory I pull out, comes into here.” I explained.
Emile saw everything. Every memory I had tucked away to forget, every embarrassing memory, and even ones that kept me up at night. She gazed at my happiest ones with awe. All the while I watched her as she cataloged my life. I then realized, I have never let anyone in this close. Once in a while she would ask a question, but that would be it.

“Gah! I wish I could stay here forever!” She sighed.
“But you will be” I reminded her.
“You’re right.”
In the end I held her. Soaking in her scent memorizing her pretty face. Emile “Thank you Klein. You lit up my entire world. My thankless star”

With A kiss on my cheek, she was gone. Disappearing forever out of my life.

“What do you say Memo?” Vince nudged.
“She is brain dead, therefore absolutely no access to her memories.”
“Well shit. Back to level one. Axel, get him his money.”
And soon I was gone, carrying a case full of cash, bearing a disgruntled physique, and a

broken heart. I didn’t even recall if I had looked back at Emile again, but the feel of her skin, and her slender fingers burned my hand. As I drown out Emile and the foreboding questions she raised about me, one thing was certain, I need busy work.

The phone rang.
“Agent Sulin. I will help you with your case.” I stated before hanging up. One mystery down, many more to go.